Can an interfaith marriage work?

Can a cradle Catholic ever find happiness with a dedicated Presbyterian? That was the question I asked myself thirty years ago. The answer was of vital importance because, besides myself, I had to consider the future welfare of my four children, ages 11 to 17.

They had already been through the trauma of a nasty divorce and the recent deaths of their beloved grandparents. They needed a stable and secure home environment if they were to weather these turbulent events and grow up to become well-adjusted adults.

That was thirty years ago; this is now. My husband and I are still married, the children have grown up. No one is in jail, and they are all steadily and gainfully employed. Three are married to their original spouses and one has a steady "friend", a relationship which may or may not work out in the long run.

How did this happen? It took love, faith, openness, and tolerance. And, to be truthful, at times it took just plain hard work. I suspect that most marriages take great effort, though sometimes the areas of disagreement may be different from those we expected.

Have I suggestions for other couples embarking on the same path? Here are some guidelines we found helpful:

(1) Decide on major issues before marriage. My children were settled in Catholic schools. It was important to me that they remain there. My husband agreed, even though there were tuition fees involved. My children would attend Mass with me, his could attend services with him.

We both needed annulments in the Catholic Church, because it was a second marriage for each of us. This must have been annoying for a non-Catholic, but again, he agreed. I'll be forever grateful to his first wife for cooperating in the process.

We decided our family was large enough. With my four and his two, whom we hoped would be visiting often, we had six children.

We decided that, when discipline was necessary, each of us would discipline his or her own children. The other adult would contribute moral support only, but as far as the children were concerned, the spouse would aim only for the status of a trusted friend.

Of course, the stepparent was to be given the respect due any other adult in a supervisory capacity. I think we compared it to the respect they would give to another teacher on staff at school.

(2) "Love and do what you will," said St. Augustine. This enterprise requires a lot of love. First of all, the couple must pledge to each other undivided love. I believe that being married, and taking vows, is an important factor in the process, because each spouse has made a serious commitment to make the union successful.

This love must extend to in-laws and to any children involved in both families. For me, it was relatively easy. As I teacher I loved kids anyway, and my husband's children were easy to love. He was great when dealing with mine. I think that the fact that he came from a family of five boys himself was a very helpful factor.

(3) Marriage is the closest relationship into which two people can enter. A mixed marriage requires openness and understanding of the other's faith. We made it a point to worship at each other's churches, several times a year.

When I took a Master's degree in Religious Education, I was allowed, in the interest of Ecumenism, to do the field work component at my husband's Presbyterian church. When he was kind enough to type all my essays, he gained a greater knowledge of the Catholic faith.

( 4) A mixed marriage takes tolerance. My husband has sat stoically through four Confirmation ceremonies, eaten numerous meatless meals on Fridays, driven me to Mass on snowy Sundays, and sat through a number of long Midnight Masses on Christmas Eve. I have worked at the "Out of the Cold Program" at his church, attended services with his faith community, joined their prayer group, and attended a series of Bible study classes as well as dinners, bazaars, and other social functions.

(5) Finally, a mixed marriage takes faith: faith in an all-loving God who has provided this person who is willing and able to share your life, faith that your new partner will have the love, patience and perseverance to live up to the marriage vows, faith that together, that you'll be able to overcome difficulties, and faith that the future will bright for the two of you as members of a family.

There is one important rule we have always followed: never attempt to convert a spouse to your religion. In the normal course of events, the practice and precepts of the other's faith will become familiar. The rest is up to the Holy Spirit and the other's free will. Each of these determinants must be allowed the freedom to work as they will.

I have found a short reflection, by an anonymous author, given to me during one of my courses, to be very helpful when dealing with people of different faiths and cultures:

                                            Take Off our Shoes

Our first task in approaching another people, another culture, another religion

Is to take off our shoes, for the place we are approaching is holy,

Else we may find ourselves treading on another's dream;

More serious still we may forget...

That God was there before our arrival.