Should you always forgive and forget?

There are some emotional wounds that are so deep and so hurtful that they will never be forgotten, nor should they be. We can and must forgive the perpetrator, but we should remember that he is an individual capable of inflicting great harm, and resolve that never again will we put ourselves in a position where we might be one of his victims.

It is important to realize that forgiveness is an function of the will, not the emotions. In my own case, when my former spouse ran off with a younger woman, leaving me with four young children between the ages of two and ten. I was extremely bitter for a long time.

It was when I was reading "The Power of Positive Thinking", by the late Dr. Norman Vincent Peale that I realized that my bitterness was only hurting myself. It was eating away at my insides like a festering sore, and stopping me from moving on with my life. My husband was going blissfully on his merry way, completely unaware and uncaring about what emotions I might be experiencing.

Using my will power alone, I summoned up a mental picture of my wandering husband, and spoke to him in my mind. "I forgive you, and set you free. I will no longer spend time and energy thinking of you. You are no longer a significant person in my life. Good-bye and God bless."

After that. whenever he crept into my thoughts, I made a conscious effort to think of something pleasant, or to make plans to do something fun with the children. It took a lot of practice, but it finally worked. I cannot say I have ever achieved any warm feeling toward him, but I least I have achieved "neutral" ... the mailman, the grocer, my ex-husband, they all arouse the same emotional reaction. I wish them well, but they exist only on the fringe of my life, and of my consciousness.

In "The Lord's Prayer" we are required to forgive, in order that we ourselves may be forgiven. "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." God knows how damaging malice and thoughts of revenge can be for the person harboring these negative emotions. He loves us and wants only the best for us. He wants us to put these upsetting thoughts aside and move on so that he can bestow upon us the greater gifts he has planned.

In my case, after receiving an annulment, I remarried. My second husband and I will soon be celebrating our thirtieth wedding anniversary. The children are well-adjusted, productive adults. I know I have God and Dr. Peale to thank for these blessings. If I hadn't used my will to forgive, I could have been wallowing in that morass of misery for years.

Will I ever forget? No, the wounds were too deep and hurtful, but they were useful too. They taught me what kind of man to avoid, and encouaged me to think about the type I wanted to find for my next and final marriage. Thanks again to God, I found him and we have come as close as possible in this world, to living happily ever after.